As an added incentive, if I lose the civil war my balls will be cut off with rusty lawn shears, sautéed, and force fed to me. This is before my torturers truly apply themselves. Just cracking their knuckles to warm up, so to speak.
Alas, these malcontents are armed by my most powerful enemy, America. A Foe so mighty I would have no chance whatsoever to achieve victory against them in direct conflict. Leaving me to my wit, my guile, and my doctorate in Western foreign policy and tactics to get me through this ordeal.
I met with my top commanders, and the subject of using chemical weapons on defenseless civilians came up. I agreed it was a good idea, but only if used on a Center for Humanitarian aid with Maternity ward orphans and Pet adoption (CHUMP). Something with the word "humanitarian" in it needed striking. Preferably with zero military value and lots of cute and defenseless inhabitants.
This action would violate the VERY CLEARLY MARKED RED LINE, set by President Obama. A line that if crossed would result in a massive assault against Syria, crippling my Air Force and cutting my combat effectiveness by 50%. Bringing my soon-to-be sautéed balls ever so much closer to my lips.
My commanders were torn. Eventual victory using the same conventional weapons we had been using? Or nerve-gas the CHUMP and guarantee a steady rain of Tomahawk cruise missiles on our forces. It was truly a vexing decision.
The stalemate was broken when I pointed out that as my top commanders, they too would have their balls sautéed and force-fed to them as a precursor to being properly tortured to death if we lost the war. Eureka!
However, I had my doubts that gassing the CHUMP alone would be enough to ensure Western Anger and Response (WAR). We needed enough moral outrage that even the fat drunk guy on the couch watching American football wanted to help build the fire to roast our balls. As long as it was at halftime, of course.
It was decided we needed a specific number of horrific casualties and cuter animals. We played "Casualty darts" over pitchers of beer at lunch to come up with 1,429 casualties. I personally hit the "14". 30% needed to be children, which came to 426.
I was still unsure we could guarantee WAR, and a quick internet search told us basset hound puppies and big-eyed kittens were considered "Too cute!" by nearly every voter in America. We promptly added 214 basset hound puppies and 371 big-eyed kittens to the death toll (round numbers appear too contrived...the American public isn't THAT stupid). I actually had my head of security truck in more basset hound puppies to ensure moral outrage. No shit.
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| The women were caring. |
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| The children were happy. |
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| The basset hound puppies were about to be adopted. |
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| She's so cute I want to cut my own balls off for killing her with chemical weapons. |
Happily, we have achieved our goal. America is seething with righteous anger and will soon attack. My Air Force will be smashed and my forces crippled. My family, friends and allies will all be killed. I've even pulled out the lawn shears to speed things along.
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| House Foreign Affairs Committee member Rep. Adam Kinzinger presenting the case for bombing Syria. Those are children. Cute, defenseless children. Bombs would definitely help them. |
Hermann Göring: Why, of course, the people don't want war. Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship.
Gilbert: There is one difference. In a democracy, the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars.
Göring: Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country.
If you believe America has a "moral imperative" to intervene in Syria, you should meet "the good guys" our government has spent $115 million supporting...
Everyone that "didn't qualify" for mortgage assistance the last 5 years take note. You've got to eat people's livers to get money from Uncle Sam! Who knew?
Hey maybe those evil Syrians deserve a good bombing. I've included a "Help Obama start WW3" link for you in that case!
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